Handsy and I were talking last night about my inability to just shake things off, let them go and not let them “become” me.
That’s been a problem of mine for so long..
In middle school, a guy I knew once told me I was annoying (referring to a specific moment in time). I don’t think I ever forgave him. We went to school together for another 5 or 6 years after that incident. I just never let it go. I think that and those days in middle school where I was called 4 eyes (I have now had lasik) and “flat as a board” (a curse that has since “cursed” me) are instances that show my true character.. that girl that’s so utterly sensitive to words and to actions.
In college I studied English, a subject matter that lends its students to teachings about deeper and more fulfilling meanings [to language and storylines] and builds said students into the most analytical human beings they can be.
It ruined me.
And now, while I’d look so much “cooler” if I could just brush things off, stand a little taller, appear a little more “put together”, somehow I still find myself.. that shaky girl that sees Good Lookin’ from across a crowded room and starts to feel herself quiver.. (there’s something telling in his ability to make me so nervous).
But all in all I think I need to scare away my ghosts first.
“Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
Don’t worry.. you will find the answer if you let it go..
Give yourself some time to falter
But don’t forgo.. know that you’re loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities. I try to own my destiny.
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them ’round
Til I’m the one who brings you down
Make me feel like I’m the one to blame for all this..
Don’t worry.. you will find the answer if you let it go..”
sarah mclachlan.
