just another day in the neighborhood.

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on the front porch, enjoying my newly acquired food baby from Adriana’s, rocking back and forth in my rocking chair, and gawking. I think it was first the length of the shorts. Or really, just how much leg I was seeing. Then it was the pink polo. Because when dumpster diving? I think a pink polo is really the best thing to wear. Then there was something about the hair. It was pretty sexy.

All of this I thought before even beginning to tackle the idea of the empty grocery buggy. And the man woman that was following behind him. With a backpack.

“Oh great, word’s out that our street’s got some good trash,” the roommate commented. I couldn’t peel my eyes away. You know that whole saying about things being like a train wreck when you just can’t turn away? Well this was train wreck central. Because they started with the pile (and they were quick!) and then they went to the herbie curbie. And they were all up in that.

And I would like to add that I’m kind of concerned about the manners they teach on the streets. Because that man? He totally had his woman pushing the full buggy all the way home.

“Do you think they’re lovers?” I asked the roommate. I’m all about some drama. I think that has intensified since I no longer get my daily fill of Young and the Restless (of which I might have worked my class schedule around in college).

“Probably just living together out of circumstance,” the always pragmatic roommate answered.

That was just before we heard The Wife yelling to Mr. Strung Out, “No I’m not gonna let you take it all so that you can sell it for pills so you can get high. I DON’T DO THAT.” Blah blah blah.

I think I’ll let them know when we have our next block party. I bet they like PBR too.

always on the cutting edge.

I have masterminded the greatest idea that ever was. Moreover, the greatest small business that ever could be. I mean, personally, I think I have a lot of really! great! ideas! But what I think I am most talented at – should have received a degree in college in – is matchmaking.

I’ve come up with a few great matches in my time. I mean, hell, I work for a non profit. Do Gooders R Us. And I consider matchmaking a do good. (Somebody please, do good for me.) I suggested one crazy guy friend get with an equally crazy girl friend and the roommate, to the best of my recollection, may have even high fived me for that ingeniousness. Then there’s the plan I have yet to set in motion for Boy BFF to meet Awesomeness because I think they would be perfection. (After all, they both make me happy so naturally, they should be able to make each other happy.) I may have made mention before of Drew Peterson and Nadya Suleman. But that’s just evidence of the scope of my abilities and my lack of discrimination.

Because matchmaking? Free entertainment for all.

I have watched movies about matchmaking. Read books about matchmaking. Worshipped television shows on matchmaking.

I know matchmaking, people.

And now, I would like to make it a part of the greatest business venture yet.

Matchmaking by points.

You read that right.

A point for being a volunteer fireman. Five points for being funny. Minus two for a regrettable tatoo. Minus 50 for an ex’s name tatooed. Plus ten for being a dentist. Plus twenty for being able to afford to give me invisalign upon our signage of the marriage license.

That negative a few for being a police officer can totally be erased by your ability to erase points on my record.

Or, obviously, by your hotness.

And if you don’t drink? That’s fine. As long as you’re fun in public and don’t make me feel guilty and – oh yea – be my designated driver at all times, we’ll just zero out the points there too.

It’s like a scorecard. A dating scorecard. Because instead of scoring legislators based on their voting record, you score men based on their likes and dislikes and manners and pasts and ambitions and OH MY GOD THIS COULD BE SO MUCH FUN.

Who’s with me? I know, I know, don’t everybody raise your hand at once.