pick a little, talk a little.

“I’m not saying I don’t cry but in between I laugh.” garden state.

I was sitting at a stoplight after a long walk with Todd the dog, en route to Mom and Dad’s house to take care of Molly the dog, when I looked over at the car next to me. I was singing aloud to Radar (which is my current song-on-repeat) and all I noticed about the woman in the car next to me was her wedding rings. And I ACTUALLY THOUGHT, to myself, “Aha! She’s married. That means SOMEONE loved her enough to marry her. And first date her. That means someone liked her! And… something is wrong with me.”

I mean, I’m not saying I’m not crazy. (Actually, I’m saying, right here, that I AM crazy.)

So then I saw this diamond ring clothed hand holding a cigarette and I thought, “Pssssh… she smokes! She’s married! And driving a mom car! And she smokes!?”

Okay, next, (really, this is where my mind went) I thought, “Oh! I GET IT! She must have been the cool girl. Still is the cool girl. Her husband wanted the cool chick and that’s why he married her. Because I bet you she’s still! so! much! fun!” I mean, it’s like McHottie. He is proud to say the first time he met his wife she was skinny dipping. And um, yea, cool girl? Not me. So not me. I’m kind of dorky. In an I like to read a lot, wasn’t really the prom queen type in high school, never really have been a big partier (not to say I don’t trip and fall into a keg every once in a while) kind of girl. I mean, it’s Tuesday night and I’m sitting at my parent’s house and quite content if I’m being honest.

The funny thing is that while I thought all of this, it actually humored me. I may have laughed. Out loud. Because I do that. Sometimes it’s after I figure out what songs like If You Seek Amy mean (okay I may have gone to see Britney in concert last week, hence the theme) but other times I just do. I find myself laughing. Over a revelation, a conversation remembered, over nothing, even.

The best thing about all of this is that it’s a turn of events. Because last week? Last week instead of laugh I cried. Really, I did. A lot. I sort of had one of those breakdowns I talk about sometimes. And then I decided. Stop, Kristin. Really, this is ridiculous. This is not you. You used to never cry. Overanalyze? Yes. Talk to death? Hell yea. Lose sleep over? Damn it, yes. (This is a new one. I used to be sleeps-like-a-baby-Kristin.)

So I realized something. I realized, I AM GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS. And I am going to be stronger because of it. Because that’s what happens. That’s what we do.

And then I went on Spring Break. Yea, seriously, Spring Break 2009. It’s what I did to get me to where I am now.

I went to Atlanta to see Britney. And it was AWESOME. More awesome than the first time I saw her. (I mean, this time she didn’t have sex on the stage.) But really it was fantastic. And then afterwards I met a guy who wouldn’t stop calling me “beautiful.” So much so that I thought about changing my name to it. But then again, his girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend? I never really could get the whole story.) was upstairs in their room. And he was a strange bird. But, I digress.

After Britney I went to Clemson. Home Sweet Home. I went to Esso and had a dollar beer. (If the economy gets any worse, EVERYONE AND THEIR MAMA GO TO CLEMSON. Seriously. You can survive on nothing.) From there I went to Tiger Town Tavern and met up with a friend I hadn’t seen since he graduated and moved to Illinois. And we had a pitcher and some nachos. College style. (I know that sounds retarded but go with it.)

When we decided, hm, maybe we should go home, we did. And my high on life mode caused me to get very little sleep. Which, put together with the beautiful weather and the fact that I was up and dressed early for a wedding shower the next day, caused me to want to be ANYWHERE BUT COLUMBIA. I wanted to be on the coast! In Charleston! SOMEWHERE! And so, somewhere I went!

And I had THE BEST TIME EVER. I mean, seriously. Spring Break was so much fun. (Except for the fact that I learned I SUCK AT DARTS. Okay, “learned” might be a joke. I kind of knew that already. But let me play Wii bowling or flip cup or beer pong and I swear! I can win! At one of them!) But that doesn’t keep me from reacting to REPEATEDLY missing the targets.

But this Spring Break thing? When you’re in the real world and don’t get a Spring Break? Totally underestimated. Because I needed it. Needed it like I need fresh air.

So what I suggest to all is cry a little, break a little, laugh a little, and live a little.

Really, it’s good for the heart.

i see grace.

The other night as I sat on a barstool at my parent’s house, frustrations bubbling over in much of the way I like my pitcher of beer, I said aloud, “I hate people.”

Mom was appalled. I mean, I think it goes without saying that what I meant was that I dislike mean people. And annoying ones. And ignorant ones. And self righteous ones. But I digress.

The roommate and I had a nice long fight talk last night that dealt heavily with the way I allow myself to become so easily affected. By a hurtful email from my mom. By a feeling of unworthiness from a friend. By my boss’ mood changes. By things way beyond my control.

In spite of this growing list of frustrations I think it is important to remember moments of bliss. To let it be known that I see grace. In the every day. In the little things. In my life.

I see grace in a night of bunko with a group of girls I adore that seems to come right when each of us need it most.

I see grace in a work mother willing to encourage and nurture and provide therapy as often as needed.

I see grace in meeting a new friend through mutual friends and finding them to be just as awesome in person as you imagined.

I see grace in concert dates and making plans for the coming months.

I see grace in college friends finally moving back home and calling to watch a game together.

I see grace in a Friday night dinner and movie date with wonderful friends.

I see grace in the daily Diet Dr. Pepper.

I see grace in good music playing from my computer as I work.

I see grace in a long run made fast by an energized dog-on-leash.

I see grace in, for the first time in my entire life, creating a budget.

I see grace in a ray of hope.